Who am I?
That was the the most powerful question I was asked this year – though the AoEC Coaching Diploma. And I found it extraordinarily hard to answer… How come? I’m nearly 44 years of age, isn’t that something I should know by now? I thought I did, but the harder I tried to write it down, the more obvious it became that I was using other peoples words.
In a 1:1 Zoom session with our fabulous facilitater, Pippa, I tried to explain it and ended up crying. Proper tears and snotters, unattractive crying. Now, I am quite partial to a cry – I cry at Strictly, Emmerdale, adverts, the Marathon, the News, choirs, other people crying, even flipping football celebrations. But I don’t usually cry about ‘work’ stuff.
It was a really pretty important question for me to confront though. Becuase earlier in 2020 I’d left an organisation I’d been with for almost 20 years and started out on my own. During a pandemic. So quite a bit had changed.
What I started to realise, with the help of Pippa’s gentle questioning, was that for almost 20 years, I’d been conditioned into believing my worth could be reflected in a single number and a couple of paragraphs of text at the end of 12 months graft. Someone elses opinion, which in turn was shaped by external expectations and budgets, was how I came to see and feel about myself. I was shaping my sense of self worth around that number and the pluses and minuses against my name.
But I wasn’t actually really reflecting on what I was really capable of, or my value (or values), my motivators, my goals or the things I’d learned.
Add to this that this whole process of performance management just triggers some of our worst reactions.
The majority of people will be told they’re average. Statistically true but still – ouch. Our brains do not like that – it triggers the fight, flight or flee reaction. We’re all programmed to think we’re slightly better than average. That’s Ego – it helps us operate at our best.
Its also a pretty clandestine affair – we don’t like to discuss with our colleagues what our ‘number’ is. We fear embarrassment (whatever the number/description) or being pushed out of our groups, and our brains work very hard to keep us centre of the pack. So, despite collaborating and supporting each other throughout the year, performance review seperate us rather than bringing us together.
But now I’m my own boss, my own person and my success is almost entirely reliant on me. And truthfully it always has been.
Once I’d stopped crying, and blown my nose (on mute I might add – no-one needs to experience that) I was properly able to put all that legacy aside.
So this year, I gave myself a review.
I’ve used the resources at my disposal to do some great stuff in a tough year.
I’ve been kind and collaborative and creative. And also a good project manager. It is possible.
I’ve got loads more things to learn – a lot of them to do with running a business
I’ve made a few mistakes.
I’ve not tried hard enough at some of the things I find harder to do.
It’s freeing, and it’s me. It’s fair and balanced. It’s my opinion – sure it’s still informed by feedback, but not shaped by anyone else. And it’s a great way to kick start the new year.
What would my advice be for anyone else feeling the same?
Don’t let the standard performance review shape your self-worth and don’t rely on the formal performance processes to give you motivation.
Seek feedback from those you trust and use it to inform but not overwhelm your view of yourself. Although feedback is a gift, you can return it if you don’t think it’s accurate or helpful. But if you see a trend, don’t ignore it!
You’ll perform, improve and fly when you’re really honest with yourself and depend more on your own intrinsic motivators. Rely on yourself and your own reflections to set your own standards – numbers be damned.
I am not a number. I am not other peoples opinions of me. And neither are you. You are uniquely resourceful, creative and whole.
Happy New Year 2021!
If you’ve faced any of the challenges described in this blog, perhaps coaching might help? You can email me at kerry.freeman@freehuman.co.uk to arrange a free 30 minute chemistry session
